Most recently, I had to put down Robert Goolrick's A Reliable Wife because it was...well...insane? A bunch of characters with hyper-sexual motivations running around thinking about sexy times and having sexy times and trying to be all DEEP and SNEAKY with their sexy times and being very stupid about life because SEX and also NAKEDNESS and also BOOBS.
Also, the twist is very obvious. (And yes, I know I've used The Clint before. He just so perfectly captures how I feel about most things that aren't Jane Eyre). Right around the middle of the book, I was all The Ending Is Very Easy To Discern Here and also I Am Tired Of All These Characters Thinking About Nothing But Getting It On It is Wisconsin There Are Cows And Shit Think About Something Else and also I Hate Everyone In This Book. QUADRUPLE ALSO, when I read a book like that I can't help but think about the daily writing process of said book. Like, did the author have his morning cup of coffee and then turn on the weather, maybe take his dog for a walk, maybe have a donut...and then write about diabolical, murderous sex for many hours? I just. Moving on.
THE NEXT book I put down without finishing it was Jamaica Inn by Daphne duMaurier. This is the same woman who wrote Rebecca, one of the most amazing examples of suspense-filled perfection ever written. Jamaica Inn is like...it's like Daphne got drunk at Cabo one weekend and took up with a pack of frat boys who were all YO, DAPH, IF YOU WRITE SOME FUNNY SHIT IN 30 MINUTES WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME MARDI GRAS BEADS HAR HAR HAR and Daphne was all YOU ARE ON.
But for serious, guys. It is campy. It is Not Mysterious but tries so hard to be Mysterious. It has all the right elements! Virginal but feisty main character! Creepy house on the moors (which are also creepy)! Mysterious goings-on at night! A VILLAIN WHO IS SO VILLAINOUS AND PHYSICALLY GROTESQUE (that's how you tell he's a baddie) THAT HE BECOMES TOTALLY COMICAL BUT NOT ON PURPOSE!
It's a farce of Wuthering Heights, is all I'm saying, if Wuthering Heights had more night-time crime and if there was no romance between Heathcliff and Catherine, and really, they just sort of tolerated each other while going about other business.
So anyway. I'm now going in a completely different direction, having picked up Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott because I'm really in the mood to read a book about how not to be a shit writer. And since I'm DNFing with such gusto lately, maybe this DNFing thing will become a series! Maybe I'll just be all HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T READ THIS IT IS SILLY EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T ACTUALLY FINISH IT. And then I'll put my sorta-reviews on Goodreads and they'll be hidden because that's apparently how there roll over there now.