Wednesday, September 5, 2012

DNFing like a Master

I CANNOT FINISH A BOOK. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am losing my will to push through to the end of a book that I find ridiculous. It is becoming the most frustrating thing in the history of frustrating things.

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Most recently, I had to put down Robert Goolrick's A Reliable Wife because it was...well...insane? A bunch of characters with hyper-sexual motivations running around thinking about sexy times and having sexy times and trying to be all DEEP and SNEAKY with their sexy times and being very stupid about life because SEX and also NAKEDNESS and also BOOBS.  

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Also, the twist is very obvious. (And yes, I know I've used The Clint before. He just so perfectly captures how I feel about most things that aren't Jane Eyre). Right around the middle of the book, I was all The Ending Is Very Easy To Discern Here and also I Am Tired Of All These Characters Thinking About Nothing But Getting It On It is Wisconsin There Are Cows And Shit Think About Something Else and also I Hate Everyone In This Book. QUADRUPLE ALSO, when I read a book like that I can't help but think about the daily writing process of said book. Like, did the author have his morning cup of coffee and then turn on the weather, maybe take his dog for a walk, maybe have a donut...and then write about diabolical, murderous sex for many hours? I just. Moving on. 

THE NEXT book I put down without finishing it was Jamaica Inn by Daphne duMaurier. This is the same woman who wrote Rebecca, one of the most amazing examples of suspense-filled perfection ever written. Jamaica Inn is like...it's like Daphne got drunk at Cabo one weekend and took up with a pack of frat boys who were all YO, DAPH, IF YOU WRITE SOME FUNNY SHIT IN 30 MINUTES WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME MARDI GRAS BEADS HAR HAR HAR and Daphne was all YOU ARE ON. 

But for serious, guys. It is campy. It is Not Mysterious but tries so hard to be Mysterious. It has all the right elements! Virginal but feisty main character! Creepy house on the moors (which are also creepy)! Mysterious goings-on at night! A VILLAIN WHO IS SO VILLAINOUS AND PHYSICALLY GROTESQUE (that's how you tell he's a baddie) THAT HE BECOMES TOTALLY COMICAL BUT NOT ON PURPOSE!


It's a farce of Wuthering Heights, is all I'm saying, if Wuthering Heights had more night-time crime and if there was no romance between Heathcliff and Catherine, and really, they just sort of tolerated each other while going about other business. 

So anyway. I'm now going in a completely different direction, having picked up Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott because I'm really in the mood to read a book about how not to be a shit writer. And since I'm DNFing with such gusto lately, maybe this DNFing thing will become a series! Maybe I'll just be all HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T READ THIS IT IS SILLY EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T ACTUALLY FINISH IT. And then I'll put my sorta-reviews on Goodreads and they'll be hidden because that's apparently how there roll over there now.

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31 comments:

  1. I am so glad I read your review of Jamaica Inn. I, too, couldn't finish it because I thought it wasn't very good. I thought there was something wrong with me, because I really liked the author's book Rebecca and so I should like this book. Glad to see I'm not alone in my opinion.

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    1. Rebecca is so good! How did Jamaica Inn happen? HOW?

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  2. I felt the same way about that Goolrick book. September is a book moping month for me 'cause I'm so damned tired from work that my reading is listless at best. Now I'm going to reinterpret that as "DNFing like a Master."

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  3. I never feel bad about not finishing a book. :) If it doesn't hold my attention (there can be many reasons for that), I stop and find something better to read. After all, there are so many great books out there I will never have the time to read. :(

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    1. Amen, lady. *raises hands to heaven*

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  4. I absolutely couldn't stand the Goolrick book. There's some extra crazy thrown in right at the end that just made me shake my head. I finished because it's a compulsion for me, but I wasn't happy about it.

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    1. I FEEL SO BAD about not liking it. He comes to the bookstore where I work all the time and does readings and he is SO NICE and I so dislike his book. Le sigh. I just won't tell him.

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  5. A Reliable Wife was terrible. Talk about a book that sounded like it would be great and then totally being a letdown. I did finish but can't remember anything about it. Must have blocked it out.

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    1. Uh, there's winter and a train and sex? That's all you need to know.

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  6. Thank you all for saying you hated A Reliable Wife! I have been loathing this book for over a year after I read it, finished it and then my book club picked it last month and raved about it. (I threw up in my mouth a little bit then). I hated it and thought I was the only one - there is something wrong with him for sure. Plus, I saw the blurb about his new book and again it is all about nasty murderous sex. Eew...

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    1. I actually read HEADING OUT TO WONDERFUL before A RELIABLE WIFE, and you're right. It's nasty murderous sex, except the main characters use a six year old boy to hide the affair their having. So. It's disturbing on a lot of levels.

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  7. I've heard that A Reliable Wife was so incredible and a must read, but when people told me what it was all about it didn't really sound like it could be all of those things. I don't mind the sexy per se but when that overshadows the story, or becomes the entire story, I kindly decline. I wonder if his newest title is similar?! Note: I just read the comment directly above this and realized that it definitely is. Hmm...

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    1. It totally is similar. Look at all the sex we're having! That must mean we're in love! Even though we never talk to each other! Hooray! *dies*

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  8. I read Jamaica Inn years and years ago and disliked it. It's probably why I put off reading Rebecca (or anything else by du Maurier) for so long. And while Rebecca didn't really blow me away, I have to admit it's very tastefully done! I couldn't finish her Cousin Rachel, though... It's a book I left alone half way through sometime last year. I suppose du Maurier is an acquired taste not counting Rebecca.

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    1. I think I'm going to just...not...read any more of her books...

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  9. A+ FOR GIFS AND PICTURES IN THIS

    Also, no apologies for re-using gifs. For I do it and if it is appropriate it is APPROPRIATE.

    Goodreads hides reviews? What what?

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    1. THEY DO. Well. Sort of. Their "new" (as in, not new, but just now being enforced) guidelines say that if your review isn't really a review of the book, it will be hidden. I think it's meant to keep people from doing stuff like I DON'T LIKE THIS BOOK BECAUSE THE AUTHOR HAS PURPLE HAIR DIE DIE ONE STAR, but there's a lot of fear that the policy could be applied to reviews where the reader didn't finish the book.

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  10. I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with DNF's lately. I've had 4 in the last 2 months. (Probably doesn't sound like a lot, but I'm usually a finisher). Last night I was scared to start a new book. How does that even happen?

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    1. It's not just you and me! Brittney from the blog Souls of Thought lives in Richmond and we went out last night and she said she hasn't been able to finish a book in weeks. Maybe it's a summer-to-fall transition thing?

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  11. I get the idea that Daphne basically wrote NOTHING good apart from Rebecca. Maybe it was a fluke.

    I fully support the reporting back on DNFing though, because how will we know these books suck if NO ONE is able to finish them and review them? You're conducting a public service, is what I think!

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  12. Thanks for the post. I agree, life is too short to finish bad books. Jamaican Inn was just dull.

    I used to be haunted by the thought that bad books may improve, just on the next page, or the next, or the next and that optimism pushed me through to the last page. Not anymore, though. Now I am jaded and cynical.

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  13. Perfect timing because I was feeling bad about DNFing Don Quixote. I read 700 pages of it, enjoying the first 500, but then it all got a bit...the same. And I didn't care anymore.

    BTW, a friend told me Bird By Bird is great (although I haven't read it).

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  14. Loved Bird by Bird. Hope you enjoy it, too. Sadly, DNF Lamott's fiction every time I try.

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  15. I almost couldn't get through this post because LOOOOOL THAT FIRST MACRO AND I CAN'T STOP AGREEING WITH IT.

    But yes. And yes to Jamaica Inn, although that is far and away the best of Her Daphne's early works (I know). You should read My Cousin Rachel by her because it is THE BEST.

    Anne Lamott. I fucking love her.

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    1. The whole time I'm reading JAMAICA INN I'm all RAYCH READ ALL OF THESE FOR SMARTY PANTS SCHOOL REASONS BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER IF SHE LIKED THIS ONE AND I'M TOO LAZY TO GO LOOK IT UP so thank you for coming to my rescue.

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  16. Don't beat yourself up too hard, some books just aren't worth the time and agony!

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  17. Oh, THAT book! The good news is, if you're anything like me, you will soon completely blot this hideous memory out of your mind. Because that's what happened to me. Everyone here was hating on this book and I was thinking, "Is it really that bad?" So then I looked it up at Amazon and the painful memories came flooding back. I have indeed read and loathed this book, but apparently, I'd managed to utterly forget it - until I re-read the blurb.

    The plot was pretty preposterous, the twists are more than obvious, the sex is belabored and overwrought and gets tiresome pretty quickly. You know, if a woman had written A RELIABLE WIFE, it would probably be classed as a "bodice-ripper" and publicly scorned. But there I go, off on one of my "sexism in literary criticism" rants.

    Anyway, I FEEL YOUR PAIN, but if you fill your head with a bunch of other useless crap, you should be able to forget all about this ugly incident soon.

    Also, Bird by Bird is one of the best books about writing ever. That should help blot out the memory of the Goolrick book.

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  18. I also hated A Reliable Wife. But what's worse- I gave it as a gift to a friend in my book club- before I read it, of course! I won't make that mistake again! Did you read the author interview in the back? He said that he was a lot like the characters in the book. Eeeeww! I did enjoy Bird by Bird. Good inspiration. Found your blog through BBAW. Good stuff!

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  19. I totally did a DNF post, too, recently!

    http://loveatfirstbook.com/2012/09/06/book-thought-to-finish-or-not-to-finish-that-is-the-question/

    Recently, I didn't finish "Three Cups of Tea" because the author kept having everyone say how wonderful he was over and over and over and over. . .

    But honestly, if it's not worth your time, there are so many better books to actually read!

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  20. So glad other people have the sense to hate this book!

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